Don’t Call it a Comeback!

 

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Damn you Joe Jonas! Here I am, 27 years old, attempting to suppress my high school Jonas Brothers obsession only to be revisited by your angelic voice and lyrical genius! I swear, once you guys “broke up” I thought to myself, “Well Caitlin, I suppose it’s time to grow up, just as these fine gents have.” Shit. Look at what my room looked like up until I was 19. It was legit wallpapered in the faces of you 3 and Miley Cyrus. (My parents said having girls on your walls made you look like a lesbian, I said that wasn’t true. Joke was on all of us.) I was brutally obsessed.

I mean honestly.  Joe, my dude, you did your thing, and flopped. Kevin went on and was the only successful purity ring wearing, settling down kind of guy you all claimed to be. Nick, you sexy mother fucker, blew up. I mean, come on. He is essentially the only reason you guys even were a famous band. Nick is totally the Justin Timberlake of the Jonas Brothers.

I totally pined over Nick. For years. He may have been the youngest and younger than me, but mama always had a thing for some thick, long, fucking curls. His musical talent. A panty melter for sure. Even a song about bacon – if that doesn’t make you an National Treasure and a 7th World Wonder than what will? Like God damn Nick, toss in a vagina and you were my dream girl!

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Anywho, here I sit, about a year ago and some bullshit song “Cake by the Ocean” is all over the radio. I was proud of you Joe! As a former obsessed fan, I know this is what you wanted – fame and glory. The song was shit. Based on a misinterpreted order when you requested “sex on the beach” at a bar.

Fast forward to summer 2017 and I hear “Truthfully” on a Spotify playlist I downloaded. I started playing the song on repeat until I knew all the words. Then I’m all, “This voice sounds familiar.” And here you are Mr. Jonas. I’m prouder of this one because I actually like this song. Applying it to my life and relationships.

Flash forward yet again to about a month ago. I hear “One Chance to Dance” on yet another Spotify playlist I downloaded. Obsessed. Literally obsessed. The sound of the sitar just made me so happy. I’ve been having some tough times lately and even though the lyrics are average, the sound of this song just makes me smile. It’s like whenever I’m feeling down, a Jonas is there to pick me up.

The lyrics are somewhat applicable to me. At least the new me. Or maybe the me that I’m aspiring to be?

It’s funny how music works. I listen to this song for hours straight because it gives me the feeling of joy. So thank you Joe Motherfucking Jonas. You’ve somehow brought me out of some mentally dark places. I always knew you were a good egg.

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Sidenote, I really should stop writing when I’m drinking heavily. I hope this shit was legible y’all. Deuces!

Bad Days and Sad Days

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Let’s just jump right in because this is a subject very near and dear to my heart.

I personally believe, and also in my professional experience, that we feed off each others emotions whether we want to or not.  I can’t begin to tell you how many times my mood was in a flat lined state, meaning it could’ve gone up or down depending on who was coming in to resuscitate me. You kind of just sit there and expect to stay the same until someone comes in, also feeling the same, or lifts you up. However, there’s that other option, which is being attacked by a downer. It really irritates me when I’m in either a bleh or good mood and then someone comes in and is negative, angry, or just straight up unhappy and they try to put that onto you.

For me, if I’m having a bad day, I usually try to go into a room with the hopes that someone will cheer me up. Not everyone is like that though. Some people will have a bad day at work, walk into a room, and try to put everyone in a bad mood to justify their bad mood.

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That’s why I normally try to surround myself around positive, good hearted people. I get we all have our bad days, but if you’re having a bad day, it can legitimately be turned around so quick, you just have to “want” to not be in that bad mood anymore.

(Before I get attacked, I am not talking about serious shit like depression or PTSD or anything like that, I’m legit talking about “I spilled coffee at 9 am so the rest of the day is a bad day” attitude.)

Which leads me to me and my fatal flaw. I want everyone to be happy.  It’s almost sickening. I can’t tell you how many times people have come up to me after I smiled and said “Good Morning” and told me how they were having a terrible day, but I just made it better.

It literally makes me hurt that something so simple and easy to do happens so infrequently that it seems like a grand gesture.  I want to be a person that people are happy to see. I want to be a person that makes peoples day turn around. I read this quote:

“My goal in life is to be one of those people who are just—light. You see them and you suddenly feel so warm inside and all you want to do is hug them. And they look at you and smile with the warmest light in their eyes… and you love them. Maybe not in a romantic way, but you just want to be close to them and you hope some of their light transfers into you.”

It really spoke to me. This is a person I aspire to be. I want to work toward being this person every single day of my life. I never want to be a person that makes others feel sad, less, flatlined.  I always want to be the person that brings a smile to someones face, people want to be near, make them feel warm – wanted – visible.

Selfishly, this makes me feel good. Like, I want to make people feel good, which can’t be the worst thing to want, but that makes me feel good. Doing good makes me feel good. Seeing others smile makes me smile. Hearing others laugh makes me laugh. Why wouldn’t anyone want that?

Yet, it’s a blessing and a curse.

I feel as though I’m not allowed to have a bad day. I put too much pressure on myself to make others happy and smile that I tend to compromise my emotions.

The other morning, I was driving to work, sitting at a red light, and I just started to cry. Uncontrollably cry.  Deep belly sob – cry.  Nothing happened in that moment per say, but I tend to lock all my bad feelings deep inside, dark thoughts, bad experiences, I turn a blind eye to them. Then one day, your driving to work and it all festers up out of no where and sobs.

I called my friend when I pulled into work and was a little more in control of myself.  I told her how now I felt stupid and was going to have to paint on a smile to go in there and make everyone feel good. She asked why and I was like “because that’s what I do, I make others feel good about their bad day.” She was literally like, “You’re allowed to have a bad day too. You’re not responsible for making people feel better.  They’re mad because they have to work – they’re just negative, you’re sad because you have a lot going on.”

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She’s right. I do have a lot happening right now. I’m very zero or sixty when I deal with myself. The sick thing is though is now I feel like I’m expected to be in a good mood always. I’m not worthy of a bad day. I don’t want people to ask me what’s wrong. I don’t want people to know somethings wrong.

It’s like being good and positive most days tarnished me.

It’s pathetic.

I’m so fucking guarded – damaged. Why can’t I just let people see me sad? Why don’t I let people see me cry? Why is it that if I have a bad day, I can’t let others know?

I’m pretty sure I know the answer. I’ve seen a lot of these people I cheer up be upset over the dumbest fucking shit. I know they wouldn’t reciprocate what I’ve give them.

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So I pull up my big girl pants, walk in, and make everyones day.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to be the light of someones day. I truly think we should all try harder to help other people. We are what we put out into the world. I just feel if more people focused in more on positivity, everyone would be able to have their seldom bad day without feeling bad about having a bad day.

 

I Miss Me More.

My current jam right now is Kelsea Ballerini’s – Miss Me More and I think everyone should listen to it because it’s pure brilliance.

I love this song for so many reasons. Let me start with my obvious section of… Heartbreak.

When we go through heartbreak, and we all have – don’t even try and play me son, music can be one of the worst things to help the process. At least it is for me.  When I listen to music it’s to put me in a mood, but when I experienced my first true heartbreak back in high school, I learned, no matter the “mood” you’re aiming for, every single song seems to somehow be a love song. No matter how you look at it, there is love.

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That leads to dwelling on feelings, sadness, pain, and being unable to “get over it.” What I liked about this “love” song is that, while it’s definitely about my girl Kelsea going through heartbreak, she is taking a different approach to her pain. In turn, when I listen to it, I’m like, “Yeah fuck you bruh! This shit hurts, but you don’t deserve me (and all that shit).”

My follow up feeling is, “Damn girl you is fuckin’ savageeee!”

I just really like that she acknowledged that like whole concept of we had something and when it ended it hurt, like it should, but I miss who I was before I was I was with you more than I actually miss you.

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It’s an interesting concept in general when you think about it. We are all individuals. When we’re born, we are all different, but the same. We grow into ourselves, we change over time, we experience the nature vs nurture aspects of life. We have interests, opinions, beliefs. We have hobbies, things that make us happy, things that make us sad. It’s what turns us into who we are.

Then comes the fucking feelings and emotions. We fall for someone. We spend more time with them. Whether we want to admit it or not we sacrifice parts of ourselves to be with this person. You may stop spending as much time with family or skip things that were once so important to you just to be with this person. Love is sacrifice.

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Then, to quote Dan Savage, “Every relationship you are in will fail, until one doesn’t.” We just don’t know which one won’t. So when this relationship ends, it’s confusing. Before you, I may have enjoyed bowling every Monday night. Then you came along and bowling on Monday’s became less important because I could do dinner with you on Mondays. Then you’re gone and Mondays are open. Do I go back to bowling? A series of refinding who I am as a person before you rocked my world.

My absolute favorite thing about this song is that, she acknowledges she lost who she was prior, but now that she’s done with the relationship, she is reminded of who she was before him. And she’s like “yo, as much as I thought I’d miss you and who I am when I’m with you, I miss who I am without you far more.”

It turns kind of into a realization that she isn’t going to lose herself completely ever again.  That’s something I can totally relate to. When I start to see someone I can get a little lost in our world. I forget about things that are important to me. I’ll skip things I enjoy just to spend time with that person. I’ll rearrange my schedule just to be with that person. I can’t do that. I can’t continue that cycle, because then when the relationship ends, I’m stuck, trying to get back to who I was.

I never want to do that again. I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done, as they’ve all been learning experiences, but this song reminded me of the importance of self.  The whole concept of a relationship, is partnership, which contains two people – two individuals. I’ll never lose my individuality again.

If reading poetry before bed, going to CrossFit in the morning, listening to podcasts during the day makes me happy, than that’s what I’ll do. If screaming incorrect lyrics to a song I love in the car while playing air instruments makes me smile, than that’s what I’ll do. If going to dive bars and talking to strangers on random Wednesday nights makes me forget about all the negative shit that went on during the day, than guess what? That’s what I’ll do.

 

That’s me. I like me. And if I don’t like me, how can anyone else?

 

 

Sidenote: I mentioned Dan Savage earlier and I just think everyone should follow this man. He’s amazing.