Here comes a rant y’all! I’m also half a bottle deep in some white zinfandel, so cut mama some slack.
So I’m a young, single, lady on the prowl trying to meet people. I’m also a big old homo, who’s very new to the gay scene as I’ve only come out within the last year. My gaydar is what the kids might call… horrific. So here I am, relying on dating apps.
Now to understand me, you gotta know, I’m very happy being single. I actually love it. I love not having to explain to anyone where I am, what I’m doing, and essentially being able to do what I want when I want. I masturbate a lot and I am so damn good at it that I’m not sure anyone can even compare. Just stating facts. I hold my hand game high.
However, I’m also a human fucking being. I’ve never been in a truly serious relationship, which I get is kind of weird for a 27 year old, but I just really like to do what I want without repercussions. Don’t get me wrong, their are a TON of things I like about dating. I like having someone to text, someone to talk to about shit that’s somewhat obligated to listen, I like cuddling. GOD DO I FUCKING LOVE CUDDLING. Human contact in general. I love that shit. (I’m such a fucking girl).
That being said, I’m getting kind of old. I don’t want to be single or short term dating people forever, although I’d rather do that than be in an unhappy unfulfilling marriage for the rest of my life.
You also have to understand that when it comes to dating, I’m kind of old school and frankly, a little conservative. I also fall hard, fast, and veryyyy easily. I’m not necessarily the heart on my sleeve kind of gal either, I’m actually very guarded (I’M WORKING ON IT OKAY). When I start to see someone I usually commit to only talking to only that person because I also just don’t have the time or energy to do more than that. I’d rather waste 1 month attempting to give someone my all and it not work, than to date 3 people for three months with added confusion and pressures for myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m also all for a good ol’ fashion one night stand, but even in that, I’d prefer it to be someone I know. I don’t necessarily have to want to date you to want to have sex with you. In fact, I am 100% for the friends with benefits movement!
So back to the dating apps. I can tell you with 100% confidence I have literally never met a single person in my life that I’ve had a crush on or wanted more than friendship with right off the bat. I mean obviously I’ve been sexually attracted to people when I just met them, but that’s different. Right off the bat literally no one has given me butterflies – at least not in my heart, nah mean? I think because even though I don’t show it and I’m incredibly guarded, I’m an extremely emotionally driven person.
I fall for peoples quirks, their confidence, their sense of humor and how it’s tailored into mine. I fall for peoples passions, their dreams, their work ethic, their drive. I fall for how people see the world, how they see themselves in the world, how they see others in the world. These are all things you don’t get from a first date with a stranger, a dating app, someone you only just met.
I like to start as friends. I know this sounds like it’s a “choice” which I know it isn’t because there are feelings and emotions which are out of our control. That’s just always how I’ve been. Wired that way I guess.
The dating apps can’t give me any of that. If anything I get a minor glimpse into someones personality from the 2 sentence description they give, if they give one at all. A majority of the time I feel like I’m just flipping through a magazine. Comparing perfumes, when a perfume that might not smell as good as another, but it’ll last longer gets overlooked because I can’t smell the fucking perfume. I hate it.
Then comes my next hatred toward it, if not my biggest hatred. The expectations. I’d say a majority of people are there for 1 of 2 reasons. 1 being a hookup/one night stand/whatever you want to call it or 2 dating, usually relatively serious. I can’t really pitch to people “I don’t want to hook up on the first date, but if we only make it to 3 and that’s when I want to do it, so be it” or “I’m not opposed to long term dating, but I don’t want it to be expected just because I’m on this app.” No one really swipes right to someone saying, “Looking for friends!”
But that’s what I am doing. Not to sound like a loser, but I really want to be your friend. I don’t want to sleep with you and flirt and buy you shit if I don’t know you (unless we’re just tryna get handsy for a night).
I’ve gone on my fair share of dates from these apps. The way people come into to them is a little different, but mostly end the same. I’ve had one girl who I talk to on the app, that is so funny and witty and alllllll I want to do is meet up with her because she seems like a person I could eventually fall for, and if not that, she’s cool as fuck and I wouldn’t hate a friend, but she always dodges the meet up question. I’ve had one girl send me legit 5 page papers for 3 days making me feel like I was applying for my dream job and then giving me her number to meet up. I’ve had one girl have a lot in common with, talk on the app normal for a week we exchange numbers after a week and then it’s all flirty (which is fine I like playfulness, but like it was 0-60 real quick). I’ve had girls give me their numbers to meet up and never actually follow through. I’ve asked people to meet up and the conversation end completely. I’ve had people tell me their life stories in the first two messages, I’ve had people where talking to them felt like pulling teeth. I’ve had so. many. tongue. emojis. and to that I figure, roll with it. I work on my sexting skills. Get riled up, flick the bean, and call it a convo.
Point being that when I meet up with them, a majority of the time, the date could go well, but I’m just not 100% into dating the lady. I have a 3 date rule, where I’ll see anyone at least 3 times and then decide to continue or cut it because I don’t think you can get to know a person well enough in less than that, but anything more than that is getting too serious to not be sure and I’m not down with fucking with peoples emotions. Unless of course they’re a total dick or have questionable morals on the first date than it ends after the 1.
I just have this problem where, why is it expected to be a date. I’ve rarely talked to someone in a class and then hung out with them outside of class under the context that it’s a presumed date. I mean I’m also scarily oblivious so maybe they did think it was a date, but at least I’ve seen this person, talked to this person, laughed with this person. I’ve literally never done any of that with these bumble bitches.
Then comes the issue of when we meet and I’ll be honest, I’m a pretty good freakin date. I’m always willing to pay, if I don’t offer first. I always try to split if they insist. And finally, here is where my arrogance comes in, I’m good at making people feel good. I laugh a lot, I smile a lot, I talk a lot. I ask questions, I’m invested, I listen. I can see why anyone would think it went well. (As long as I don’t have to call them out for being a dick). Yet, sometimes, there isn’t even that spark in the sense that I know we won’t work. We don’t have similar goals, we don’t have similar life plans, we don’t have similar ideas of what’s fun.
Prime example. One of my most recent dating app dates was with a lawyer who had the same name as me, spelled the same and everything. The narcissist in me had to meet her because I thought it’d be hot to date someone with the same name as me. I’m not going to deny getting off to the thought of me. I think I’m a catch. (I sound like such an ass right now, blame the wine). Anyway, we talked on the apps and she was so fucking smart. Such a turn on. Averagely attractive, not in a negative way, but in the kind of way that she didn’t really try to hard with her appearance and still was good looking, but most important to me, she was kind. With everything she told me, she was kind.
So we meet up for coffee, I get there first, grab a table, tell her where I am. She gets there, I’m a gentlemen and bought her her soy green tea latte, I had a black coffee. We hung out for like maybe 90 minutes. I can tell within the first 20 minutes that I don’t think we’ll work out, but we can definitely go out again. I say this because I am literally driving the conversation to an unbaringly rough point. Every silence, I filled. Every question I asked, gets a short answer, so I fill it in with my own answer and a story on top of it. I chalk it up to her having nerves.
As this “date” continues I know for a 100% fact this girl and I will never work. Our goals are different, our ideas of fun are different, our pasts are just too different. Then at about 10 o’clock she says something like, “Well I think we should head out it’s getting late.” In that moment I know we won’t line up romantically.
Maybe that’s selfish of me. My best dates that I’ve been on are the ones where I literally lost track of time. It’s happened on first dates, second dates, all sorts of dates. My best times spent with someone are when I don’t want to go to sleep because I don’t want to stop listening to the sound of their voice. When I don’t care if I go into work exhausted the next day, running on 2 hours of sleep because I was laughing way too hard with the person I was with the night before. That’s not even to contradict myself in the sense of friends first, but that’s what I mean. Up until recently, when all my friends decided to grow up, we’d do exactly that, obviously with no romance involved, but that’s what I’m looking for in a person. I want to be your friend before I want anything from you. That can play into why I’m guarded or why most of my best friends are from childhood. It takes so much for me to give myself and my life story to someone. There are only 2 people I’ve dated that are still in my life, so if I told every person I dated my life, that makes my stomach turn. It’s no longer personal, its no longer me giving someone a piece of me. My friends know my shit because they are in my life for the long haul.
That’s why I want someone to be my friend first. Maybe that’s another insecurity I carry. If someone knows who I am, what I’ve done, good and bad, all of me, and still wants to date me, than I’m ready for that person.
Aside from a lot of other things she said on that date, I just knew. But at the same time, I did like some of the shit she was saying. I wasn’t opposed to hanging out again, but it had to be known that it wasn’t a date.
So when she texted me the next day, I was told by literally everyone, I had to ignore it. Anything else would be leading her on. Teasing her. Playing with her emotions. And that’s where my problem lies. She could’ve been a friend. Not one I’d hang out with very often, but maybe if I wanted to do a book club or go to a paint class, I’d hit her up. (I’m very well rounded). Just not if I wanted to do karaoke till 2 am, PR my deadlift, play pool with strangers, dance like an idiot to Journey, do the “Dougie” in the middle of a busy street, make a music video, go on adventures.
That’s what she wanted though – a person to date. Friendship isn’t something that was thought of. That’s why I hate the apps. I have soooooo much more to offer people than being their girlfriend or sex. I’m kind, I stand up for people, I’m funny, I want to bring out the best in people. If you only want that when it comes with a label, than frankly, it’s your loss.
In closing, the apps serve their purpose, and I get that. I just kind of wish as an adult, we had the interactions with people that we did in our younger years. Or before technology, when it wasn’t weird to talk to someone at the grocery store and try to meet up in the future. I just hate, hate, did I say hate? – the expectation that we have to date, have sex, or be nothing.