Bad Days and Sad Days

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Let’s just jump right in because this is a subject very near and dear to my heart.

I personally believe, and also in my professional experience, that we feed off each others emotions whether we want to or not.  I can’t begin to tell you how many times my mood was in a flat lined state, meaning it could’ve gone up or down depending on who was coming in to resuscitate me. You kind of just sit there and expect to stay the same until someone comes in, also feeling the same, or lifts you up. However, there’s that other option, which is being attacked by a downer. It really irritates me when I’m in either a bleh or good mood and then someone comes in and is negative, angry, or just straight up unhappy and they try to put that onto you.

For me, if I’m having a bad day, I usually try to go into a room with the hopes that someone will cheer me up. Not everyone is like that though. Some people will have a bad day at work, walk into a room, and try to put everyone in a bad mood to justify their bad mood.

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That’s why I normally try to surround myself around positive, good hearted people. I get we all have our bad days, but if you’re having a bad day, it can legitimately be turned around so quick, you just have to “want” to not be in that bad mood anymore.

(Before I get attacked, I am not talking about serious shit like depression or PTSD or anything like that, I’m legit talking about “I spilled coffee at 9 am so the rest of the day is a bad day” attitude.)

Which leads me to me and my fatal flaw. I want everyone to be happy.  It’s almost sickening. I can’t tell you how many times people have come up to me after I smiled and said “Good Morning” and told me how they were having a terrible day, but I just made it better.

It literally makes me hurt that something so simple and easy to do happens so infrequently that it seems like a grand gesture.  I want to be a person that people are happy to see. I want to be a person that makes peoples day turn around. I read this quote:

“My goal in life is to be one of those people who are just—light. You see them and you suddenly feel so warm inside and all you want to do is hug them. And they look at you and smile with the warmest light in their eyes… and you love them. Maybe not in a romantic way, but you just want to be close to them and you hope some of their light transfers into you.”

It really spoke to me. This is a person I aspire to be. I want to work toward being this person every single day of my life. I never want to be a person that makes others feel sad, less, flatlined.  I always want to be the person that brings a smile to someones face, people want to be near, make them feel warm – wanted – visible.

Selfishly, this makes me feel good. Like, I want to make people feel good, which can’t be the worst thing to want, but that makes me feel good. Doing good makes me feel good. Seeing others smile makes me smile. Hearing others laugh makes me laugh. Why wouldn’t anyone want that?

Yet, it’s a blessing and a curse.

I feel as though I’m not allowed to have a bad day. I put too much pressure on myself to make others happy and smile that I tend to compromise my emotions.

The other morning, I was driving to work, sitting at a red light, and I just started to cry. Uncontrollably cry.  Deep belly sob – cry.  Nothing happened in that moment per say, but I tend to lock all my bad feelings deep inside, dark thoughts, bad experiences, I turn a blind eye to them. Then one day, your driving to work and it all festers up out of no where and sobs.

I called my friend when I pulled into work and was a little more in control of myself.  I told her how now I felt stupid and was going to have to paint on a smile to go in there and make everyone feel good. She asked why and I was like “because that’s what I do, I make others feel good about their bad day.” She was literally like, “You’re allowed to have a bad day too. You’re not responsible for making people feel better.  They’re mad because they have to work – they’re just negative, you’re sad because you have a lot going on.”

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She’s right. I do have a lot happening right now. I’m very zero or sixty when I deal with myself. The sick thing is though is now I feel like I’m expected to be in a good mood always. I’m not worthy of a bad day. I don’t want people to ask me what’s wrong. I don’t want people to know somethings wrong.

It’s like being good and positive most days tarnished me.

It’s pathetic.

I’m so fucking guarded – damaged. Why can’t I just let people see me sad? Why don’t I let people see me cry? Why is it that if I have a bad day, I can’t let others know?

I’m pretty sure I know the answer. I’ve seen a lot of these people I cheer up be upset over the dumbest fucking shit. I know they wouldn’t reciprocate what I’ve give them.

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So I pull up my big girl pants, walk in, and make everyones day.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to be the light of someones day. I truly think we should all try harder to help other people. We are what we put out into the world. I just feel if more people focused in more on positivity, everyone would be able to have their seldom bad day without feeling bad about having a bad day.

 

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