I’ve recently returned from a trip to Southern California to visit my cousin and let me tell you, this trip has reawoken something inside me that I’ve been missing for a long time. I’ve been in a very uncomfortable state for all of pretty much all of 2018, living in a series of constant highs and lows – unable to find my middle ground, but that a story for another post.
Mid January, my cousin was teaching me a little bit about the concept of “Mindfulness” and suggested I download the app to help me in the process. Truthfully, I haven’t been “doing the homework” on the subject, but I understand the theory and it is something I truly want to get into. Essentially, it’s something you work toward when it comes to living in the moment. It’s not easy. An issue I (and many others) have is being fully immersed in the moment. For example, I can be walking down the street delivering the mail on a beautiful fall day, just enough crispness in the air, a beautiful setting sun, the perfect song playing in my headphones, and a pumpkin spice coffee waiting for me in the truck, yet all I can think about is getting out of work on time to get to New Haven for some event and not keep my friends waiting (or some other similar scenario). The idea is that my mind is wandering, thus making it impossible for me to take in the beauty surrounding me.
This trip reminded me of how beautiful the world is.
Sometimes, when we’re in the same place every day, we can forget to see it’s beauty. Now I am by no means saying that Bridgeport, CT has the greatest sites in the world, but I remember when I was 21, working on an apple farm (the best job I ever had), driving customers through the orchard in a golf cart. When I’d get to the top of the hill (it was the highest point in Easton), they’d get out and do their thing. I’d grab an apple from a tree, stand by the cart and just look around at the town. I remember thinking one day near the end of the season, “Take this in Caitlin. This is an image you’ll never want to forget.” I wish over the last 6 years that mentality stuck with me. It pops up from time to time, but it’s fleeting.
Ironically, on Saturday night during this trip, I took a few pictures that I’ll share in this post and planned to post it to my Instagram with this caption:
Look y’all, I know I’m just a little lady from the 203, and truthfully, I don’t know if there’s a God or some higher being up there that’s looking out for us, but days like today, I have to believe there’s something beyond us that had a watchful eye in place. Seeing the beautiful sites and visualizing the world as some sort of “happy accident” is just a thought I can’t stand to bear. I haven’t gotten to see too much in these 27 years, but I’ll be damned if I don’t take in every sunrise and sunset, every moment of joy and happiness, and be able to take my bliss and thoughts of content and push it into the world in a positive manner. I’m gonna see the world everybody! I’m gonna do things that scare me. I’m gonna take risks and make big moves. My life is an adventure. A journey and by no means a destination. When the big guy up there takes me back, I’m going to be happy because I’m going to have given this world the best of me and I’m going to have been able to be a part of the best of the world. That’s all I think anyone can ever ask.
Then I deleted it and was going to save the post for when the trip actually ended. The next day, Sunday, I found out about the car crash all my friends were in, which I already wrote about in another post. It’s crazy. Here I am questioning the existence of God or a Higher Power for the first time in years all because of the beauty in the world, while my friends are in this scary, life altering, accident. I truly believe that we manifest our own destiny and there are no such things as coincidence. This however is just something I can’t even think about, it’s been eating at me for weeks, maybe one day I’ll be able to express it better, but for now, I’m going to leave it at that.
When you’re surrounded by all this beauty, how can you not take in every moment. Life is a fucking adventure and I want to be a part of all of it. I want to see everything this world – this life has to offer. That is my priority in this life. That is the only goal I have. I want my life to be an endless adventure. I want to climb the rock over high tide, with waves crashing, even thought everyone says not to, simply because I know the view is better at the top, and how often will I get to go to Laguna Beach? I want the water to hit me as hard as it can and wipe me off my feet, simply because the moon pulls harder on the Pacific Ocean causing stronger waves and how often can I experience that?
I want to be able to see these things with the people I love. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m also down for solo adventures. I can easily see me alone in Spain, not knowing the language, taking the wrong bus to the hotel, but ending up with a story. But, being with people you care about has an added quality. I want to (eventually) find a person who wants to take on the world with me, take in the sites, get lost in a town we don’t know, and have the experience of a life time – if only for that day.
Tell me I’ve never been happier? Prove to me that this isn’t a smile that just happened because I was in a place I’ve never been, smells I’ve never smelled, feelings I haven’t felt. I work for a living, but I by no means am living to work. I’d rather live in a tiny apartment eating Ramen and drinking questionable water 11 months of the year to be able to have experiences – real experiences for that 1 month.
I never want to forget what it feels like to just sit back and look at water I’ve never seen, put my hand into water I’ve never touched. I just want to take it all in – everything.
I want to taste wine all over the world. I want to eat the finest (and grossest) delicacy each country and each state has to offer. I will do these things, I will do all of them.
I want to always be who I am where ever I go. I’m not going to be ashamed of who I am. I’m going to go into each new place, have every new experience as me. Caitlin – amateur cooker – experienced eater/drinker – professional driver – kind to a fault – stubborn – people pleaser – occasionally funny – gay – mail lady.
I want to run through every tunnel. Have my toes touch the sand of every beach. See the light at the end of each journey and smile because I know it’s only going to lead me to my next.
I want to live in a world where I can have spaghetti grilled cheese sandwiches and donuts that put my C cups to shame.
I want to fly to all ends of the world. Hustle thought airports because I’ll be late. Accidentally get on a tram and watch the door close while everyone I’m with is on the other side and I’m alone on the tram (that really happened).
I know I said I want a lot in this post. Trust me though, I will. And this post is the accountability factor.
This is my Southern California experience. Wait till you see the rest…
And now I’ll shamelessly post a few pictures of my family that I really liked lol